Everyday Small Revolutions: the gestures that transform old age
Sussy is 64 years old, and five years ago she decided to leave Barcelona and move to the village where her mother lives, Sobredo do Courel, in Galicia, with only twelve inhabitants. After 44 years working in a company, she was wrongfully dismissed and felt encouraged to pursue a romantic relationship she had begun in the village and, at the same time, take care of her mother, who needed help at age 91. She changed city, friends, and life. She took the reins of this new phase.
Teresa, 70 years old, explains how she stood up for herself and said “no” in the face of a complex situation that pushed her into a role she didn’t want to assume. “We had to force my daughter to find a solution to care for my grandchildren when she got divorced.” She decided to take a step, set a limit, and empower herself to be a grandmother in a different way, unlike what social expectations impose, as we have explained on other occasions in Miradas de la Longevidad.
Mari Escuder, from a small town in Castellón and nearing sixty, convinced herself to stop dyeing her hair and began to show her natural color—white hair that now reveals, without any shame, the passage of time. “I look great, even though some people tell me I’ve aged myself 10 years.” She doesn’t listen to other people’s opinions based on conventional norms, because she knows this change gives her comfort, coherence, and a way of living aging that aligns with her values.
Lola, 70 years old, got divorced more than a decade ago after 42 years of marriage and just before reaching retirement age. “It was one of the best things I’ve done in my life,” she confessed to me in an interview. “I needed to fly, and now I do,” she says. It is a testimony about “gray divorce,” something that more and more older adults are daring to initiate—according to statistics—when the relationship no longer provides the stability and bond they want before entering the final stage of life.
These are examples of decisions that, in some cases, are large and visible, and in others, more discreet, but all reflect the courage to face the situations, bodies, and circumstances that appear after having already traveled a large part of the life journey. They are also gestures such as starting to exercise, seeking new friendships that better match one’s interests, taking up hiking, exploring a new senior dating app, or signing up for a language course. Many times, these seemingly small changes end up becoming an intimate revolution that determines how the following years will be lived.
These acts are a way of exercising freedom, autonomy, and personal affirmation in advanced maturity. And that rebelliousness is needed to fight against the script imposed on us at this stage of life. Society tends to think that older people must care for their grandchildren, always be available for their family, be prudent, be discreet, be grateful, be “endearing,” as we often hear… We cannot expect age to turn people into that cliché—and we can fight it firmly, with small or large gestures like the ones mentioned.
Authors such as Rosa Montero have advocated for a lucid and empowered old age to fight those stereotypes. “What’s worst isn’t that your face wrinkles, but your ideas,” the writer said in a recent interview. Margaret Morganroth Gullette, writer and researcher, in her book Aged by Culture, argues that “aging” begins not only in the genes or the body, but also in the culture that pushes us toward obsolescence, invisibility, or penalization of the passage of time.
Empowering oneself through actions as we age does not mean giving in to the obligation of taking care of oneself to “stay young,” but acting freely according to one’s personality, values, comfort, needs, and interests—without falling into selfishness or individualism. There is a clear difference between that mandate to pursue a good appearance in order to follow current standards and the real desire to remain visible, active, valued, and a person with full rights and capabilities. As we mentioned, embracing gray hair is one of those acts, yes… but so is exercising for the pleasure it brings, eating without guilt—taking care of oneself but enjoying small pleasures—, dressing according to one’s personality, without obeying colors or shapes “not suitable” for older adults…
At this stage of life, learning to say “no” can also become an important and valuable tool for self-care and self-affirmation. Because aging can also be more satisfying when it involves protecting one’s own time and space, as psychologist and communicator Patricia Ramírez explained in an interview. “To older adults I would say that most have dedicated a large part of their lives to caring for other people—their parents, their children—and now is the time for self-care. That means making room in their schedule and remembering that they also have a life of their own. If they are cognitively and physically independent, they should try to preserve that independence,” she advised.
Older adults are also expected to be passive, perhaps because the idea persists that they “have already lived their lives.” In contrast, curiosity emerges as one of the most precious ingredients for maintaining a sharp mind. Pere Quintana, a 108-year-old pharmacist, told La Vanguardia recently that this curiosity keeps him awake. “When someone is interested in what is happening, they don’t age on the inside,” he said. And it’s not only curiosity about what is happening around us that works, but also learning new content and new ways of living. Learning to be alone, to travel differently, to use new technologies, to understand younger people, or to acquire a new skill regenerates the mind and is another of those gestures that rebel against society’s ageism.
Likewise, breaking molds in the realm of sex and affection is another way of reclaiming the value of this last stage of life, and it can mean a true revolution. As we said in this blog a few weeks ago, pleasure and desire do not retire, and today, a 60- or 70-year-old person can get divorced, flirt, open their relationship, live happily in a relationship of more than 50 years of love, or enjoy the fullest single life—something celebrated by American psychologist Bella DePaulo, who defends singlehood as a fantastic way to age thanks to close bonds of friendship that provide community support in difficult times.
Ultimately, living freely and consciously within today’s landscape of the new longevity can represent a paradigm shift, both personally and collectively. Today, older adults are no longer “grandparents.” They are a heterogeneous group, with much to say in community and much to live individually in the years ahead. Every gesture of freedom in old age is a battle won against ageism and clichés.
